PAC 10 FOOTBALL CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. The mike’s all yours, gorgeous.

Somehow stunning and craptacular at the same time. The only possible explanation for UCLA coming back–excluding Tennessee’s sphincter-seizure and the grand folly that was the Clawfense–is this: Norm Chow mind bolts and the extremely low resting heart rate of Kevin Craft. Nothing else explains throwing four picks in a half and then zipping off 18 of 25 passes for 193 yards after halftime, or how Craft got off many of those passes with meaty paws inches away from his throwing arm.

He even got slightly snarky with the media in the postgame, which is just fine considering his portrayal in the media as a JUCO Simple Jack who, when pressured by Tennessee’s defense, would attempt to peel the ball like a banana and eat it.

“I didn’t get rattled at halftime,” Craft said. “I have played this game before.”

Noted, but even then UCLA was outgained by Tennessee 366-288 and only averaged 0.9 yards a carry rushing. This remains, even in the stunning glow of betwinkled glittery upset, the result of a cripple fight. We just didn’t know how much of a stubborn bastard one of those cripples was, or how fatbrained the other was.

(BTW: every time you see a fisheye cam of Chow in the booth, you see the MCP from Tron. You’re fucked: it’s just a matter of time before he svengalis his qb into hitting some indefensible seam route.)

And Psalm 130 says: Pants. Again. From the depths comes great wisdom, or at least one of the most concise and humor-coated balls of sadness post-loss we can remember reading.

From Joel on Tennessee’s excrescence of an offense last night versus UCLA:

The present was covered in opaque, shiny foil wrap with a giant orange bow on it. The card read, “TO: Vol Fans, FROM: Coaches Fulmer and Clawson, P.S. Don’t open until September 1st.” We were drawn to the gift. When we picked it up and shook it, it made a glorious noise, but it didn’t offer any clue as to what was inside. Surely, it was something wonderful. Something worthy of a nickname. Fresh. New. Exciting.

It was pants. Another pair of pants. Same thing we got last year.

We beg to differ. It was a different pair of pants, a pair of skinny hipster jeans handed to a big-butted Southern frat boy who took them and, egged on by an encouraging but loveblind spouse, slammed their fat giblets into them. Monterrio Hardesty averaged 5.5 yards a carry; Arian Foster averaged 7.4 last night.

But sure, go right ahead and pass 41 times with a first year starter on the road. We think that’s a brilliant idea. The jeans look fabulous, too, especially they way they cut your balls in half and make it look like you’re smuggling a life preserver in your pants. It’s a great look. [/shootsselfinSEChomerhead]

Beanie Wells: Influenza of the Foot, 2 weeks. The inconclusive nature of Beanie Wells’ injuries remains inconclusive: no broken bones, a boot on his foot, and “nothing definitive to report on his diagnosis or prognosis timeline” per tOSU’s sports information director.

Subcommandante Wayne thinks this is all a brilliant ruse by Tressel, who will keep Wells under wraps, fly him out coach under an assumed name to USC, and then just when USC thinks they’re going to get the Buckeyes without him, BLAM! He skydives into the stadium and the Buckeyes win 70-14 and Wayne gets laid by a crying Song Girl or hooker or something like that because chicks in L.A. are eaaaaasy, man.

Louis Murphy’s new status message: MRRRRRMMPH. Louis Murphy gets a gag order from Urban Meyer for trash-talking the U, which he should really save for after any hypothetical future defeats of said U, since Florida hasn’t beaten the U in eleventybillion years, and because we won’t believe we can until the clock hits zero and the lamentations of their ample-assed women are audible and sweet in the air. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

For entertainment purposes only. And if I'm wrong, I'm guessing you'll be entertained.

Oregon State 24, Stanford 20: This smelled like a potential Stanford upset, but then the Cardinal got hit with a couple of injuries on the OL and at WR, so the Beavers get the nod in a game that figures to be low scoring. Oregon State's biggest edge is at the skill positions, and here's a guess that QB Lyle Moevao will be much smoother this season distributing the ball.

Oklahoma State 38, Washington State 24: The Cougars were hit hard by bad news this week with DT Andy Roof being kicked out of school and OT Dan Rowlands retiring due to recurring shoulder problems. The Cougars are thin on both lines. Meanwhile, the Cowboys' offensive line boasts 89 career starts, which makes this a mismatch up front.

USC 42, Virginia 10: The biggest point of interest here is how well USC QB Mark Sanchez plays after his rapid recovery from a dislocated knee. It's also worth watching to see how Pete Carroll distributes the ball among his six tailbacks. And you might want to catch the nation's best defense. Virginia is rebuilding, with just 11 starters back, and the Trojans don't do that. 

California 28, Michigan State 24: This might be the best matchup of the weekend. Kevin Riley surged late to win the Bears QB job over Nate Longshore, but Longshore is expected to see some action. Will TB Jahvid Best put on a show? Speaking of shows, Spartans tailback Javon Ringer and a huge OL will test the Bears' new 3-4 look.

Oregon 35, Washington 24: Justin Roper takes over Oregon's spread-option offense after Nate Costa went down with a knee injury, and his strong performance in the Sun Bowl suggests he is fully capable. He'll get a lot of help from Jeremiah Johnson and LeGarrette Blount in the backfield and an offensive line that should have its way with the young Huskies front. A Washington upset will require a spectacular performance from QB Jake Locker, which is not beyond the realm of possibility.

Arizona 44, Idaho 20: Arizona needs a fast start and it will get it here. The veteran Wildcats offense should look good out of the gate, even without outstanding TE Rob Gronkowski. Moreover, the young defense probably will build up its confidence against an overmatched Idaho offense.

Arizona State 48, Northern Arizona 17: The Sun Devils get a preseason game. They might want to recall Appalachian State at Michigan a year ago and remember to show up.

Tennessee 27, UCLA 17: New UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel's debut is a tough one, with an SEC power coming to town. The UCLA defense and special teams could keep this one close, but the offense  -- even with guru Norm Chow calling the shots -- figures to struggle mightily against a tough Vols DL.   

Chow said he became familiar with the book when one of his sons began playing tennis.

"I think it has a lot of life's lessons," Chow said. "It's, 'I can't look at my teammate and say you screwed up.' It's how to allow yourself to be successful and work hard."

Is it a coincidence that Chow's old boss -- Pete Carroll -- is also a longtime fan of the book? Carroll gave it to Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, and Reggie Bush before they had Heisman winning seasons. Lawrence Jackson, a first round draft pick, was the latest Trojan to study the Inner Game.

Originally published in 1972, the book helped pioneer the field of sports psychology. The forward in the latest edition was written by Carroll. Maybe Chow gave Olson the original version.

No one told Norm that UCLA has a tradition of having its players bailing on a spring practice when every day is important to right the ship.

[Thanks Bob P!]

This guy looks familiar. Where have we seen him before? And why does he look so lame? Oh... right.

I then asked if he and Norm Chow would be using something similar to what Chow used at USC, and Neuheisel said that it would bare a strong resemblance.

"I hope so," Neuheisel said. "I like the way that thing turned out."

Have you sunk so low, Norm Chow? Have you no self-respect?! UCLA...It's like licking a toilet bowl in a Bakersfield rest-stop. And I hope the taste lingers in your mouth, Norman. I hope it lingers a long, long time.

Chow will get paid a lot of money to sit out and get to know his family again. I also think Chow has too much pride to work for ucla in a capacity less than what he interviewed for. I also think Slick Rick is doing it just to poke SC in the eye and that is the wrong reason to hire someone.

Plaschke is on the bandwagon as well. He seems impressed that RN would go after Ken Norton as a coach and then have the temerity to after Chow.

Nice try Huckleberry. Bring Chow in, I know he can develop talent but without an offensive line to protect the QB I don't care how good he is at developing a QB. Case in point is Vince Young, VY was running for his life this season and with no one to throw to you can see why he tried to put team on his shoulders.

Anyway........

About that basketball game this Saturday, I'm not kidding myself SC is going to get hammered on Saturday. The bruins have too much depth and SC is playing too erratic for them to be competitive. There is an interesting article in the DN about the differences between the two programs.

It's a good read and pretty on the mark. The fact is SC has a long way to go and this team needs to grow. I am not going to fool myself into thinking that SC is all of a sudden going to be a powerhouse in hoops but I'm also not going to be intimidated by ucla. They have yet to win a title under "no offense Ben" and while getting to back-to-back final fours is nice the clowns from across town who like to tout all those old banners in Pauley won't have anything to cheer about until BH brings one home.

This game is more important to us than it is too them but don't be fooled its not more important than any other game in the conference. SC has played well against top talent in the past only to fall short, for ucla this is just a bump in the road but it is a rivalry game and anything can happen.

I will be more concerned about this team developing into a better unit, if we beat ucla great, if not I don't lose anything as it was expected but you never know.

AO will have his game preview up in the coming days so we will look at it more closely then.

I hope to have more later today.

From an AP report on yesterday's Nets-Blazers game:

The loudest cheer of night went to Giants wide receiver Steve Smith when the scoreboard showed him in the stands for the game.

Smith, a USC alum, has been performing well after returning from injury. His New York Giants will face Green Bay this week to decide the NFC's representative in the Super Bowl.

According to a forum on WeAreSC.com, Smith was wearing a Trojan hoodie and sitting next to former teammate LenDale White.

White has his first 1,000 yard rushing season this year for the Tennessee Titans, who announced today that offensive coordinator Norm Chow has been fired. Chow's name had been circulated last week in connection with the Hawaii job.