LOS ANGELES, CA - The USC Dickwads capped their fifth straight double digit win season under head liar Pete Carroll by signing another goddamned ridiculous top-ranked recruiting class on National Letter of Intent to Sell Your Soul to the Condoms Day.

Sources say Carroll, above, uses the same methods for both cheerleaders and blue chip recruits: charm and Rohypnol.

Though the Florida Gators were ranked number one by both Scout and Rivals - two of the biggest recruiting services in the nation - media giant ESPN proclaimed USC’s class as tops. And that means validity for the attention starved and little known Trojans.

“Scout blah blah Rivals blah blah blah. We’re ESPN. [Rivals recruiting analyst] Jeremy Crabtree can lick my sack and grab me a danish, because what we say gets heard by a million people for each of their manic-obsessive recruiting freaks,” Scouts Inc. national director of recruiting Tom Luginbill said.

Luginbill continued: “The Trojans really added firepower offensively and defensively with running backs Joe McKnight and Marc Tyler, and defensive end Everson Griffen and linebacker Chris Galippo. We’re gonna go out on a limb and say that USC is going to be really good at football for the next few years.”

“You can’t stop watching ESPNU, can you you poor fuck? Today you are at my mercy. I laugh at the piecemeal destruction of your soul,” he added.

Louisiana State recruiting website Tiger Rag’s Matt DeVille was not surprised by ESPN’s ranking of Southern Cal’s recruiting class, noting that the list of gullible blue chip recruits foolish enough to sign with Sodom and Gomorrah looked “like a death row of our best, our brightest stars. Those poor fools.”

McKnight, a Louisiana native, chose the Trojans over LSU on signing day.

According to DeVille, “Carroll can lie like a greased up weasel in a corner. I’m talking those Pixar weasels, the really talkative ones. Add that to the knobcockery going on between ‘The Worldwide Leader in Sports’ and USC and you get a top-ranked recruiting class.’”

DeVille cited USC’s running back situation as evidence that the nation’s best recruits appear to be “on fucking crack and glue and illusions made of stupidity and cotton candy, goddamn shitass, what the fuck was McKnight thinking?”, adding that Carroll’s prowess at selling his program’s infernal temptations have damned more souls than all of Hollywood.

“Just think about it,” said DeVille. “You’ve got five star running backs like Stafon Johnson, CJ Gable, Allen Bradford. Add in four stars like Emmanuel Moody and Michael Coleman. And they sign the top two rated running backs in McKnight and Tyler? And another four star guy named Broderick Green? And their starter is probably going to be redshirt senior Chauncey Washington? Is Carroll telling these kids USC gets four balls on offensive plays now? Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”

NCAA officials confirmed that USC’s recruiting day haul makes them eligible for at least three more years of juvenile malpropisms, preserving the nation’s ability to refer to the Trojans as “SUC”, “Toejams”, “Condumbs” and “stupid shithead Gucci fucks”.

Chauncey Washington, or the General, as some are calling him -- as in the successor to the President (I guess there was a military coup). Whatever, C Dub is not taking anything for granted after sitting out the past two seasons, and is raring to go:

A member of the recruiting class of 2003, Washington said that although that group may have lost Bush and White, "The rest of us are ready to go out this year and show people they're wrong about us -- again."

Michael Coleman is at 85%, but already impressing.

Desmond Reed pronounced himself 90% of the way back and almost ready to go.

And then the incoming stable of freshman that is Stafon Johnson, Emmanuel Moody and C.J. Gable all getting early reps and looking awesome.

Tailback situation improves [OC Register]
Trojans roll out their 2006-model tailback [PE.com]

Less than a month before kickoff now.... and here is what Pete has to look forward to this season....

The entire team, with the exception of walk-on safety Justin Hart (tonsillitis), reported Wednesday.

"The Coliseum is sold out for every game for the first time ever."

"What is unique about this team is that we have the culmination of three very big recruiting years, and those classes have a sense of what this is all about already," said Pete Carroll (at Pac-10 media day).

This is the most talented USC team to play under Carroll.

ComPETE is the name of the game and there will be plenty of it to bring about the best.

Notable position battles include quarterback (John David Booty vs. Mark Sanchez), tailback (Chauncey Washington vs. Michael Coleman and a stable of incoming freshmen) and all linebacker spots (Rey Maualuga vs. Oscar Lua, Dallas Sartz vs. Brian Cushing, Keith Rivers vs. Kaluka Maiava).

Team speed?

"Somebody put a stopwatch on them recently," Carroll says, with a hint of a smile. "We think we have nine guys who run 10.7 or better (in the 100-yard dash)."

Oh, and lest we forget, the man pictured here. Nick Holt will be returning to replace Jethro Franklin in coaching the defensive line AND will be holding the title of defensive coordinator--the first other than Pete in the Pete Carroll era. You think he is good? He is better than good!

Fall Camp Begins [USCFootball.com]
USC reloading, not rebuilding [OCRegister]
Carroll doesn't wonder 'what if ...' [OCRegister]
Don't Worry, Be Happy [DailyBreeze]
Camp Check-In [BrandonHancock.com]

Dennis, who started over Bush and White in 2003, was thought to be a clear-cut starter for this season.

It will be interesting to see who carries the ball this Sunday in the annual Trojan Huddle?

• Whitney Lewis
• Chauncey Washington
• Michael Coleman
• Brandon Hancock
• Ryan Powdrell
• Joey Adewale
• Stanley Havili
• Stafon "The Prince" Johnson
• Kenny Ashley
• Emmanuel Moody
• Allen Bradford

Hersel Dennis likely to miss 2006 season [USCFootball.com]

• DT Walker Ashley 4-star 6-4/283 (Eden Prairie, MN)
• OL Charles Brown 3-star 6-6/249 (Pomona, CA)
• LB Luthur Brown 4-star 6-3/227 (Lakewood, CA)
• ATH Michael Coleman 3-star 6-2/225 (San Bernardino, CA)
• LB Brian Cushing 4-star 6-4/216 (Oradell, NJ)
• LB Kevin Ellison 3-star 6-0/214 (Inglewood, CA)
• DB Cary Harris 4-star 6-1/180 (Sherman Oaks, CA)
• DB Will Harris 4-star 6-3/195 (Covina, CA)
• OL Thomas Herring 4-star 6-6/320 (Los Angeles, CA)
• OL Nick Howell 3-star 6-5/253 (Fresno, CA)
• DT Gabe Long* 5-star 6-4/280 (Fullerton, CA)
• LB Kaluka Maiava 4-star 5-11/212 (Wailuku, HI)
• LB Rey Maualuga 5-star 6-2/253 (Eureka, CA)
• DE Kyle Moore 4-star 6-6/247 (Warner Robins, GA)
• OL Kevin Myers* 4-star 6-6/360 (Compton, CA)
• QB Mark Sanchez 5-star 6-4/211 (Mission Viejo, CA)
• DE Averell Spicer 4-star 6-2/260 (Rancho Cucamonga, CA)
• DB Kevin Thomas 4-star 6-0/166 (Oxnard, CA)
• WR Patrick Turner 5-star 6-5/210 (Nashville, TN)
• K Troy Van Blarcom* 3-star 6-3/200 (Orange, CA)

* Commited, Not Yet Signed