Introducing the Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings
With the 2006 season now just over 48 hours away (give or take), our jonesing for football has reached levels usually reserved for illegal substances and sexual congress. Sitting around waiting for Saturday's big score was doing us no good, so we decided to put our college football tunnel vision to use.
Inspired by Sexy Results' What rapper would you compare your team to?, Hey Jenny Slater's Simpsons Cavalcade of College Football, and our 750th viewing of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, we proudly give you the cast of Will Ferrell's magnum opus, starring as the Teams of the Pac-10, in:
The TrojanWire/Action News Pac-10 Preseason Power Rankings
1.) USC - Ron Burgundy
Don't know how to put this, but they're kind of a big deal. People know them. They have many leather-bound books, their campus smells of rich mahogany, and Merlin Olsen has been known to drop by, on occasion. Quite simply, the Trojans are The Balls.
2.) Cal - Wes Mantooth
A solid contender and legitimate threat (with no shortage of spite for Papa Burgundy). But the Golden Bears always wind up somewhere other than the top -- then typically blame the ratings system for putting them there.
3.) Oregon - Brick Tamland
Polite, rarely late, really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. The Ducks are seemingly clueless, but capable of surprising an opponent with a trident through the chest.
4.) Arizona - Champ Kind
As anyone who's ever been to Tucson knows, it's the Home of the Whammy1 (not to mention 17 unique strains of STD).
5.) Arizona State - Brian Fantana
Nicknamed penis and testicles. Wears musk named "Sex Panther." Currently working on Intercourse Island for the Fox Network. What part of this does not sound like the Sun Devils of Arizona State University?
6.) UCLA - Veronica Corningstone
(aka Tits McGee)
They're always saying it -- often in annoying internal monologues -- some day they will reach the top.2 But one thing's certain -- you have to give them points for enthusiasm.3
7.) Oregon State - Frank Vitchard
Just when you think the Beavers are going to get something going, somebody comes along and cuts one of their arms off. Story of Oregon State's entire football history.
8.) Washington - Ed Harken
Once upon a time, the Huskies commanded some serious respect around here. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Now they spend a majority of their time dealing with messed-up kids "on something called acid... firing a bow and arrow into a crowd."4
9.) Stanford - Public TV News Anchor
Weak, ineffectual, pretentious. First to run when a fight turns ugly. Not afraid to shove a girl into a bears' den. Look like Tim Robbins with a white guy 'fro. Should we keep going?
10.) Washington State - Garth Holliday
Nobody really ever listens to them. Also, the Cougars are mad at USC for having a "poop mouth".
Footnotes after the jump.
Footnotes
1 - We were initially talking about meth here; but then we did a search for 'tucson whammy' on Google, and actually found a model plane made in Tucson called the T-Whammy. No shit.
2 - Of course, the Trojans thought they were kidding. They even wrote it in their diary -- the Bruins had a very funny joke today. They laughed at it later that night.
3 - We're well aware of the subtext here; and yes -- USC does take the fair maiden UCLA to Pleasuretown with great frequency.
4 - Coincidentally, this is how the entire Rick Neuheisel affair was described by most of the Washington faithful.
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Comments
Downright hilarious...
Posted by: CT at August 30, 2006 07:11 PM
Funny stuff Kyle!
Thanks for the link!
Jim
Conquest Chronicles
Posted by: Paragon SC at August 30, 2006 08:06 PM
AWESOME! VERY FUNNY!
Posted by: Scott at August 31, 2006 06:51 AM
Hey --
Bill Simmons called -- he wants his schtick back.
Posted by: go pac10 at August 31, 2006 11:07 AM
Sex Panther...Roar!
Posted by: Ted Brogan at August 31, 2006 12:25 PM
Go Pac 10 --
Glad you could rip off David Spade's schtick to ask for mine back.
Douche.
-- Bill Simmons
Posted by: Simmons at August 31, 2006 02:46 PM
USC is having a pool party this weekend. Be there or be square. Cannonball!
Posted by: Ronald Burgundy at September 7, 2006 08:19 PM
How do you have Nogales Tech er. U of A above Arizona State? Are you also riding the Tui for Heisman bandwagon?
Posted by: Someone Important at September 14, 2006 05:11 PM
the last comment is currect the standings r wrong Scum devils should be ranked last. the only game they will win this year is against goodyear University,
Posted by: Wes Mantooth at September 25, 2006 01:50 PM
It wasn't interesting, funny, amusing, or insightful. Why in the world did a national site like SI.com put this up. Incredible ... the internet continues to attract inbeciles as authors.
Posted by: Tim at January 30, 2007 09:21 AM
How'd it feel when OSU beat you?! I thought it was awesome!
Posted by: James at September 18, 2007 03:11 PM
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