Your forecast for the day: surreal. Yeah. Catlab. Ohio State versus USC. Just back away and make sure there aren’t any sharp objects around, okay?

We’ll call that a pick for USC to cover in a landslide, metaphorically speaking. The L.A. Times goes fretting nelly with the USC offense, who believe Ohio State’s defense will bring significant pressure on Mark Sanchez, who keeps the surrealist theme of day alive by suggesting that Virginia’s defense allowed for medium-well offensive prowess all day long in their opener:

“It was like we were grilling steaks back there,” Sanchez said.

Leading Pat Ruel to say this:

“I’m not buying those steaks right now,” Ruel joked. “It’s got to be something you can microwave.”

Thus, the theme for Saturday: the Microwave Offense meets the Hot Pocket defense.

The Subcomandante denies all association. But the Overlord and Chief Mage of the Republic of Uzbuckistan totally did this:

About 20 minutes into a call with Carroll, someone who indentified himself as associated with a fake website asked Carroll in a garbled, if almost drunken, voice whether he rewarded his players by setting up dates with various Hollywood starlets.

After asking several times for the imposter to clarify his question, Carroll, remarkably, answered it, explaining that matchmaking is not in his job description.

At this point, with the conference moderator apparently asleep at the switch, the imposter asked a follow-up related to a brand-name product that shares a name with the Trojans.

Carroll then decided he had better things to do and exited the call, but not before uttering something about Ohio State’s role in the call, like “Good job, Ohio State.”

We would like to state for the record that this person, whoever they may be, is welcome to call EDSBS drunkenly anytime. The best image is imagining this person, whoever they are, hanging up the phone, giggling, and then resuming their dead-eyed staring match with the television in a darkened house in a lonely corner of Ohio. Ha! Ha. Crickets. Misery.

You could try handing it off to him, you know. Emmanuel Moody remains on the bench at Florida despite the Gators’ continued lack of a running back and some baffling personnel decisions by the Florida offensive coaching staff in the game. For instance, if Randy Shannon really wants to accuse Florida of running up the score, please see the red zone carry for Kestahn Moore late in the game. That’s practically trying to give you the ball back, Coach Shannon! He really couldn’t have done much more than that.

The Gators’ could try the novel thing and give Moody the ball. That seems to work in other places. Urban Meyer has vowed he will get more involved, and we will believe that when FREAKIN’ KESTAHN MOORE ISN’T TAKING SNAPS IN THE FREAKIN’ REDZONE WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT DAN MULLEN.

Tommy Beecher: tanned, rested, ready. Stephen Garcia, according to Steve Spurrier, is still not ready to start. Tommy Beecher, though, is ready leap in there and get going whenever, coach, and stick balls into quadruple coverage with dignity and poise.

UNT/LSU, to be played on the back of a semi roaring up I-55. No one’s sure where UNT/LSU will be played on Saturday thanks to hurricane damage at Tiger Stadium. The Independence Bowl is ready when you are, baby.

2008 CFN Unit Rankings

Defenses

1. USC
When linebackers Rey Maualuga and Brian Cushing decided to forego the NFL Draft for one more year, it ensured that the Trojans would have one of the nastiest back sevens in the country.  Not only are the two seniors All-America-caliber, but the secondary is sensational. Safeties Kevin Ellison and Taylor Mays are among six players with starting experience.  Even without current pros Sedrick Ellis and Lawrence Jackson, the defensive line will be just fine. On the outside, speedy Everson Griffen is good enough to make folks forget about Jackson. On the inside, senior Fili Moala is about to shed his anonymity while making a strong push for All-American honors and a spot in the first round of next year’s NFL Draft.    

Offenses

10. USC
Mark or Mitch? The battle between Mark Sanchez and Mitch Mustain to replace John David Booty at quarterback isn’t exactly over. Sanchez got the nod in April, but he got hurt and is questionable for the start of the season. Mustain has done nothing but impress the staff since transferring from Arkansas. Whoever gets the ball will have gobs of speed and explosiveness surrounding him. After getting a taste of action as a freshman, RB Joe McKnight is on the tarmac and preparing for national lift-off. The receivers are a year older, with the size, athleticism, and addition of former Hog Damian Williams to dominate opposing secondaries. The line loses four starters, putting the onus on sophomores Kristofer O’Dowd, Butch Lewis, and Zack Heberer to perform like vets.         

Defensive Backs

2. USC
SC has had the Pac-10’s best pass defense two years running. There’s more than enough returning talent and former prep All-Americans to run that streak to three, although a few more interceptions would be nice. In Kevin Ellison and Taylor Mays, USC is home to a couple of hard-hitting enforcers with All-America potential. If Josh Pinkard is even close to where he was a couple of years ago, no program in the country will be able to match them at the position. Sure to get picked on early, Shareece Wright needs to give opposing quarterbacks a reason to not look to his side.

Defensive Lines

3. USC
Sedrick Ellis and Lawrence Jackson were two of the first 28 picks in April’s draft, yet the Trojans are going to be more than fine up front. Fili Moala and Everson Griffen are the new headliners of a front wall that’ll rely on a deeper group of players this fall. The Trojans are so quick and strong up front, opposing backs are rarely able to get to the second level. Of course, not that things get any easier there. Moala is going to make himself plenty of money this fall, and Griffen and Kyle Moore are big enough on the outside to be valuable assets in run support.

Linebackers

1. USC
Rey Maualuga and Brian Cushing are a pair of NFL-ready linebackers still hanging around the Pac 10. Their presence will help ease the transition of Luthur Brown or Kaluka Maiava into the lineup, while giving the program a couple of intimidating defensive players who opposing coaches will have to account for every Saturday. Led by Maualuga and Cushing, this group has a nose for the football and a gift for fighting through blockers to get to the ball carrier. With the front seven that USC will be rolling out this year, the only tackles the safeties and corners make will be on completed passes.

Running Backs

6. USC
Even after Emmanuel Moody transferred to Florida, there isn’t a school in the nation that features four backs as talented as the ones in this backfield. The Trojans are basically injury-proof, meaning even if one or two players went on the shelf, the running game would survive. As is the case with many USC positions, Pete Carroll will be forced to do a juggling act to be sure that all of his gifted runners are well fed throughout the season.  It’s going to be a challenge.  While Joe McKnight is the star-in-waiting, Stafon Johnson might actually finish the year with the most carries.

For example. Pete Carroll dropped news today that would have been news anywhere else: that tailback C.J. Gable’s season is over due to season-ending groin surgery. (Anytime someone comes at your groin with knives, it’s definitely the end of something.) Add this news to the transfer of Emmanuel Moody to Florida, Stafon Johnson’s ongoing issues with a bruised foot, and the fact that Chauncey Washington can’t feel his right shoulder, and this might be a point of concern to any other school.

Fortunately, USC’s backups have backups that fart lightning and sweat pure liquid awesome into their silken robes of excellence. Sophomore Allen Bradford will get the start, and he gets to run behind the line that does this…

…against Nebraska. This week, they’re playing a team without their starting quarterback, Stanford, who’s coached by a guy who pissed off Carroll by suggesting he was leaving for the NFL after the ‘07 season, Jim “Wash Your Hands” Harbaugh.

Not that Pete’s sweating it. He’s just finishing up a great, just a great mesclun and wild salmon salad before a little gym time and then practice. He’s really, really jacked about the whole thing, and proud to tell you that, and proud to be so boringly perfect that the number 2 team is cutting through the waters of a season so placid they’ve scarcely raised nary a ripple on the surface of the national sea of consciousness.

But it makes sense. USC does have too many tailbacks. And Moody last week was the one who seemed most acutely aware of that fact, agreeing that he would do his best, make his case on the field and then see what happened. But he acknowledged that a number of others were doing the same thing and only one, at the end, could be on the field at a time. For the outstanding players watching on the sideline, Moody predicted "chaos.''

But if you look at USC's 10-deep tailback spot, sixth-year post-grad Hershel Dennis, coming back from two years of injuries, wasn't going anywhere. Nor were fifth-year finishers Chauncey Washington and Desmond Reed, in the best health of their injury-hampered careers.

Nor were local guys Allen Bradford, C.J. Gable and Stafon Johnson, all of whom were getting plenty of work.

Nor was freshman Joe McKnight, with the lone clearly delineated role as the home run hitter ala Reggie Bush.

Nor was 245-pound freshman Broderick Green, getting all the work he could handle as the coaches decided what the big Arkansas brings to the table.

Nor would all-world recruit Marc Tyler, yet to be cleared by the docs with his broken leg surgery still healing.

That left the talented Moody, the Texan who'd missed the end of last year with a hamstring injury and now was missing out the last week with a bruised calf. He's explosive, maybe not as good with the ball as say a McKnight, but a talent nonetheless.

Whether it's Oklahoma State or wherever he lands, he should have a fine college career. And leaving now means he'll miss just this season and be ready to go next year. Had he stayed into the fall to see how this all might play out, he'd miss next season as well.

The time was right.

Emmanuel Moody, C.J. Gable, and Chauncey Washington are featured on this year's regional cover, but here is the real depth chart at tailback for the Trojans.

1. Chauncey Washington
2. Joe McKnight
3. Stafon Johnson

Don't be surprised if a lot of the scripted plays to start the game against Idaho go to McKnight.

And Stafon is definitely back in the mix. Hallelujah!

The Year of the Running Back [SI]