Live from the Shrine Auditorium in the center of the universe -- sunny Los Angeles, California -- it's the TrojanWire 1,000th Post Spectacular Special. Featuring appearances by Reggie Bush, Salma Hayek, Matt Leinart, Paris Hilton, Pete Carroll, Carson Palmer, Stephen Colbert, Junior Seau, Snoop Dogg, Marcus Allen, Ted Knight, Bacon-wrapped Hot Dogs, Keith Rivers, Henry Winkler, Lofa Tatupu, Alyssa Milano, Charles White, Shrek, Anthony Davis, Kirsten Dunst, Oscar Lua, Judith Regan, and many more.

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 14

1.) USC

All that stands between Ron and another National Championship game is Veronica.

2.) Cal

Let's hope Wes fares better in San Diego against Texas A&M than they did against Texas Tech in 2004.

3.) Oregon State

For those of you scoring at home -- this Sunday in the Aloha Bowl, the Beavers are taking on a guy who got booted from Colorado for chasing the beaver.

[Editor's Note: We normally display 1-4 before the jump -- but honestly, there is enough of a separation between these three and the rest, 4-10 all deserve to reside after the jump exclusively]

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 13

1.) USC

Two down, two to go. This week, it's Quinn & Mom Jeans.

2.) Cal

Ouch.

3.) Oregon State

Vitchard has officially locked up #3.

4.) Arizona

Whammy! The Cats clawed their way back up to their week one Action News Power Ranking spot.

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 11

1.) Cal

Just proud as a peach to spend another week at the top (even though that game with the girl gave them a bit of a scare). But at least some of the Bears aren't letting the bubbles go to their brain.

2.) USC

The final stretch of Brick, Mantooth, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun, and Veronica. And so it begins.

3.) Oregon

Gave Ed Harken a nice chocolate covered squirrel. Next up, Homecoming at Ron's Place.

4.) Oregon State

No letdown after their big win against Papa Burgundy. Took Fantana out back and hosed him down.

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 10

1.) Cal

Congrats to Wes Mantooth on turning up #1 in the ratings. But you've still got to pay Ron a visit, so don't go getting those #1 t-shirts printed up for Tightwad Hill just yet.

2.) USC

Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.

3.) Washington State

We'll repeat our warning from last week: Look out world -- Garth is hepped up on firewater and he's on the loose.

4.) Oregon

Pity the Division I-AA school (in this case, Portland State) who happens to draw Oregon the week after they lose to the Cougars. If it's possible, 55-12 doesn't really represent how big of a blowout this one was.

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 9

1.) USC

Ron spent the week off pumpin' the guns and hanging with Merlin Olsen. All signs indicate that Papa Burgundy is rested and ready for some Beav.

2.) Cal

Got brought back down to earth a little bit with an OT win vs. an Isaiah Stanback-less U-Dub.

3.) Washington State

Look out world -- Garth is hepped up on firewater and he's on the loose.

4.) Oregon

Like we said last week, Ducks were thinking more about the Trojans than the Coug, and they paid the price.

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 8

1.) USC

Ron's latest accomplishment -- most maligned 6-0 performance in modern history.

2.) Cal

Cal's student paper is already counting a W for the Bears' November 18th matchup with the Trojans. Guess we'll have to take your word for it, #2.

3.) Oregon

Ducks' focus (after losing the Patchouli Bowl) is on the pants party at Papa Burgundy's on November 11.

4.) Washington State

It's true, Garth moved UP after not scoring a TD at home with Wes Mantooth. But tell us this -- are there any teams at 5-10 who the Cougars couldn't beat right now?

Now, on with the Rankings:

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 7

1.) USC

Ron Burgundy or Harry Houdini? You decide.

2.) Cal

Wes Mantooth stepped up big time against the Duckies. Coincidentally, the actor who portrays Mr. Mantooth also did quite well for himself this past weekend.

3.) Oregon

Pretty much got destroyed in the Battle for the Bronze Birkenstock and control of the Patchouli Belt. It kind of looked like Oregon had made fun of a dear Cal relative before the game or something. Not pretty.

4.) Washington

Sure they're coming off a tough loss to USC, but after what they did to UCLA, you really think we're going to put the Bruins ahead of the Huskies at this point?

All sorts of jostling, with more soon to come -- 1 vs. 4 and 2 vs. 3 THIS weekend. Viva College Football!

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 6

1.) USC

Great Knights of Columbus, the injuries just keep on coming. Fortunately, so do the wins.

2.) Oregon

Absolutely destroyed the Sun Devils last Saturday. (Insert hilarious trident through chest joke here.) This Saturday -- a trip to Wes Mantooth's house, for the marquee matchup of the weekend.

3.) Cal

Big showdown for Mantooth and his team this week. The Battle for the Bronze Birkenstock is on.

4.) Washington

At 4-1, everyone's talking about the resurgence of Ed Harken's career. Finally got the kid to stop with the German pornography and LSD. Way to go, Ed!

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 5

1.) USC

Great Odin's raven! Pete Carroll has a defense allowing only 9 points/game.

2.) Oregon

With a bye last week, the Ducks were busy sending out invitations to their pants party. Sadly, UCLA, eventhough invited -- did not attend -- deciding to get their ass-kicked by Washington instead.

3.) Cal

ASU must have insulted Dorothy Mantooth or something, because for the first time this year, Cal looked to be playing with something more than just spite over a flawed ratings system, and the fact that they don't take in account houses that have... uh... more than two television sets... and other things of that nature.

4.) Arizona State

There were horses, and a man on fire, and the ASU Sun Devils got killed with their own trident. Seriously, we think this could be the aftermath of an Oregon Duck invasion. After losses to Cal and Oregon, Arizona State will be smelling like Bigfoot's dick.

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 4

1.) USC

Tested against Nebraska, came out with an easy win. The Trojan defense looked solid on all but two plays -- a fake punt and a play where an obvious block in the back was missed by the refs (gotta love that Pac-10 officiating!).

2.) Oregon

Toughest test of the Ducks season yet, and they got out alive (even though they needed some referee intervention at that). Oregon's looking good at 3-0. Of course, they'll need to be better than good to get from 3-0 to 5-0, with their next two games AT Arizona State and Cal.

3.) Cal

Taught Portland State who's boss, just like they did to Minnesota. This week they go back to playing real teams, when the Sun Devils (who didn't exactly thrill against Colorado) come to town. The Showdown for #3 in the Power Rankings kicks off at 12:30pm pt.

4.) Arizona State

The good news -- they beat Colorado 21-3. The catch -- this year's Colorado team is 0-3 (including a loss to Montana State), so 21-3 isn't anything to write home about.

5.) UCLA

Took the week off. Rumors around the office said it had something to do with their periods attracting bears. Whatever the case, the Bru-crew drops 1 slot from a 4th place tie to 5th.*

6.) Arizona

28-10 over Stephen A. Austin? Probably too busy thinking about next week's matchup with Ron, and how much they miss his laugh and his scent.

7.) Washington

Beat Fresno State 21-20 -- almost enough to move them ahead of the Wildcats; a win this weekend against the Bruins would go a long way towards taking them seriously.

8.) Washington State

The Huskies beat Fresno State, the Beav didn't play, and the Cougs beat Baylor. So they're stuck at 8th. That's all we've got.

9.) Oregon State

They no play da football last week. This week they play Idaho. Oregon State -- always gotta do things differently. You're not impressing anybody.

10.) Stanford

How patriotic of the Cardinal, to let the Navy come in to Palo Alto and score 37 points. Great job guys.

* - Don't despair Bruin fans (b/c we know from our tracking that so many of you read us regularly) a Huskie pummeling this week (or a solid return by Hugh Johnson) combined with somebody getting beat resoundingly in the Cal-ASU game could move Tits McGee back into 4th.

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 3

1.) USC

Even a week off and a controversial Yahoo! Sports article can't knock Papa Bear from his throne.

2.) Oregon

Played tough against the always formidable Bulldogs of Fresno State. Next up is the Ducks first REAL test -- Adrian Peterson and Oklahoma.

3.) Cal

Restored some dignity beating Minnesota. But didn't look nearly good enough to make anyone forget about Knoxville.

4.) (TIE) Arizona State

Rudy Carpenter obviously musked up before suiting up to play Nevada. With 594 yards passing and 7 TDs through 2 games, Ruuuuuudy! might even be emerging as a darkhorse Heisman candidate. Next up is Colorado, where Rudy will need to pad those stats some more, before an UGLY 3-week stretch against Cal, Oregon and USC.

4.) (TIE) UCLA

After a solid opener against Utah, Bruin enthusiasm was tempered somewhat with a less-than-impressive 26-16 victory over "The Stanford of Texas." This week Tits McGee heads north for its first conference game against Washington. We're waiting for this week's input from Hugh Johnson before we analyze the Baby Blues any further.

6.) Arizona

We didn't necessarily expect the Wildcats to BEAT LSU, especially after their tepid opener against BYU. But we at least thought they'd show up and play. Instead LSU turned the Wildcats' visit into their own personal Whammy-fest.

7.) Washington

After that shameful opening game against San Jose State, at least they showed up against Oklahoma -- putting up 20 points and forcing Adrian Peterson (Is there anyone else on his team? We didn't notice.) to actually work for the W.

8.) Washington State

Look out world -- Garth looked pretty tough against the Vandals of Idaho.

9.) Oregon State

Just when we started to get excited for the Beav (around the time they went up 14-0 on Boise State), somebody comes along and chops an arm off, to the tune of 42 unanswered points. Ouch.

10.) Stanford

With 2-0 Navy coming into town (and their MVP suspended for the game), an 0-3 start is looking pretty likely for the Tree People.

T-Wire/Action News Pac-10 Power Rankings - Week 2

1.) USC

After an offseason spent retooling, Papa Bear gave the entire nation two tickets to the gun show. And the nation said "oh no, not again."

2.) Oregon

Sure it was Stanford, but the Ducks looked good. If a QB emerges in Eugene to lead this team, they are almost assured of just barely getting assed-out by the BCS yet again.

3.) Cal

We're still too disgusted by what we saw to even comment. Wes Mantooth, you've disgraced the entire San Diego anchorman profession with your showing in Knoxville last weekend. Go sit in a corner and think about what you've done.

4.) Arizona

Sure they needed a late field goal to put away BYU. But Arizona is our darkhorse Pac-10 pick (and first conference opponent) -- so we're going to chalk that first game up to nerves/a surprisingly tough BYU team, and keep our eyes on the Wildcats real test -- this weekend against LSU.

5.) UCLA

The Southpaw Jesus era has officially begun in Pasadena. How do you know when it's September in Southern California? It's the time of year when the powder blue Kool-aid is being guzzled by the gallon.

6.) Arizona State

Down against Northern Arizona in the 2nd half? Not a good start for the Sun Devils.

7.) Oregon State

The 56 points they put up was impressive, even if it was Eastern Washington they scored them on. The Beavers are going to surprise somebody this year -- we're just hoping for more than 5% visibility when the Trojans make the trip to Corvallis.

8.) Washington

The Huskies enjoyed one of the first "if the rule change wasn't in place, what might have happened?" victory on Saturday against San Jose State. Next up is an Oklahoma team who didn't exactly overwhelm people against those stalwart Blazers of Alabama-Birmingham.

9.) Washington State

They hung tough with Auburn thru a lot of the first half, and didn't really get totally put away until the 4th quarter. Sure they really never had a chance -- but they didn't look much worse against Auburn than Cal did against Tennessee.

10.) Stanford

Yikes Stanford, yikes. Sure Wazzu lost too -- but at least they put up a fight on the road in Auburn. You guys headed a few hours north and got run over. Can't you guys get the Google billionaires to shell out and buy you a real team?

Inspired by Sexy Results' What rapper would you compare your team to?, Hey Jenny Slater's Simpsons Cavalcade of College Football, and our 750th viewing of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, we proudly give you the cast of Will Ferrell's magnum opus, starring as the Teams of the Pac-10, in:

The TrojanWire/Action News Pac-10 Preseason Power Rankings

1.) USC - Ron Burgundy

Don't know how to put this, but they're kind of a big deal.  People know them.  They have many leather-bound books, their campus smells of rich mahogany, and Merlin Olsen has been known to drop by, on occasion. Quite simply, the Trojans are The Balls.

2.) Cal - Wes Mantooth

A solid contender and legitimate threat (with no shortage of spite for Papa Burgundy).  But the Golden Bears always wind up somewhere other than the top  -- then typically blame the ratings system for putting them there.

3.) Oregon - Brick Tamland

Polite, rarely late, really enjoy a nice pair of slacks.  The Ducks are seemingly clueless, but capable of surprising an opponent with a trident through the chest.

4.) Arizona - Champ Kind

As anyone who's ever been to Tucson knows, it's the Home of the Whammy¹ (not to mention 17 unique strains of STD).

5.) Arizona State - Brian Fantana

Nicknamed penis and testicles.  Wears musk named "Sex Panther."  Currently working on Intercourse Island for the Fox Network.  What part of this does not sound like the Sun Devils of Arizona State University?

6.) UCLA - Veronica Corningstone
(aka Tits McGee)

They're always saying it -- often in annoying internal monologues -- some day they will reach the top.²  But one thing's certain -- you have to give them points for enthusiasm.³

7.) Oregon State - Frank Vitchard

Just when you think the Beavers are going to get something going, somebody comes along and cuts one of their arms off. Story of Oregon State's entire football history.

8.) Washington - Ed Harken

Once upon a time, the Huskies commanded some serious respect around here.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Now they spend a majority of their time dealing with messed-up kids "on something called acid... firing a bow and arrow into a crowd."⁴

9.) Stanford - Public TV News Anchor

Weak, ineffectual, pretentious. First to run when a fight turns ugly. Not afraid to shove a girl into a bears' den. Look like Tim Robbins with a white guy 'fro. Should we keep going?

10.) Washington State - Garth Holliday

Nobody really ever listens to them.  Also, the Cougars are mad at USC for having a "poop mouth".

Footnotes after the jump.